Leading Through Loss: Five Ways Your Organization Can Help Process Grief
“In this world,” Ben Franklin famously claimed, “nothing is certain except death and taxes.” Chances are your organization has spent considerable resources on paying taxes and avoiding the dreaded IRS audit. But how many resources have you dedicated to navigating death, loss, and grief?
Whether your organization is a company, a church, or a non-profit, you cannot avoid death and loss. Someone associated with your organization—perhaps an employee, a board member, or a client—is likely grieving at the moment. How will you respond?
Consider these scenarios:
Your most productive sales person lost her husband
A beloved employee suddenly passed away
Your top client lost his son
Your CFO just moved his father into hospice care
Do you have a plan for how to support your team during these difficult times? Do you understand how the team may be affected by the loss and grief one member is experiencing? Here are the top five things you can do as you manage and support your organization through grief.
1. Make eye contact. Most of us are unaware of how much we avoid the suffering around us. We have a natural tendency to turn away from pain, even the pain of others—especially the pain we can’t fix. If you have a team member who is grieving a loss, you can assume that most people in their life have stopped making eye contact with them. Making eye contact with them assures them that they matter, that they are welcome even in their grief, and that you can handle their pain.
2. Eat with them. Friends, neighbors, and church members are great at dropping off a meal, but few people stick around and eat. If your team member has lost a spouse, they are likely eating many meals alone every week. Make it a point to get lunch with them once a week, or have different team members sign up for a week. It can make a huge difference to know you have one social connection in times of grief and bereavement.
3. Bring it up. Most people are afraid to ask about the person that has passed. When you are grieving, it seems like everyone is willing to talk about anything else except the grief you are experiencing. Don’t wait for them to bring it up. Ask them how they’re handling the grief. You may think you are giving them a break from the grief by talking about sports or a movie—and that might be just what they need—but you can safely assume that most people in their life are avoiding the topic as well. If your team is experiencing a loss in the workplace, it is essential that they have a safe place to talk, to remember, to tell stories, and to express grief over the departed. Talk to members individually or bring in a coach to facilitate group discussions. When we know someone is listening, talking really helps.
4. Resist the temptation to offer advice. Most people want to help. It’s hard to watch someone suffer. It feels much better to try to do something about their suffering. But you can’t fix the problem of death. Advice often comes across as condescending and shallow. Before offering advice, ask yourself, “Have I experienced what they are experiencing now? Did they ask me for my advice?” If the answer is no, do not suggest a cleaning service, a grief program, or a book. What if you don’t know what to say? Start there. Say, “I don’t even know what to say. There are no words. I’m sorry.” Your presence is often more effective than your advice.
You may, however, offer resources to them. Pay for staff care. Reimburse counseling expenses. Put a coach on retainer for monthly meetings with staff who need ongoing support. Your team needs someone outside the organization to listen, to care, and guide them through a new normal.
5. Pay attention to the calendar. Grief takes time, but it ebbs and flows. I once heard a boss comment on a team member’s grief, “It’s been six months, I thought he would have gotten over it by now.” Remember that grief doesn’t have a timeline. Sometimes it’s more painful months after the funeral than the actual day.
Milestones are important. Certain days have a greater impact than others. Father’s Day will be more difficult for someone who has recently lost a father. The first of every holiday after a loss can be more painful as the absence is more noticeable. A simple card that says, “I’m thinking about you this Thanksgiving as you grieve the loss of ______” can go a long way in helping the grieving person feel less invisible, isolated, and alone.
You may have noticed a common theme in all of these suggestions. In order to support your organization in grief, you have to move toward the pain instead of away from it. Why would you do something so unnatural? Because good leaders realize that we all need extra support to make it through times of grief. If that grief comes out sideways, there are a thousand destructive consequences for the individuals and the organization. But if your organization is processing grief in healthy ways, the whole team can become more resilient, better connected, and more likely to accomplish their mission.
In the darkest seasons, the old cliché is especially true of your clients, your managers, your employees, and your volunteers: no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Good leaders offer good care.
If you need coaching for yourself or your team, reach out to Good Shepherd Soul Care or someone else. It’s never too late to care.
