Our Greatest Fear: attunement gone wrong

When I was in graduate school, I went to a professor to talk about some “concerns” I had from class. In particular, I had set up the meeting to talk to him about Mosaic authorship of the Torah and its importance for interpreting scripture. I was looking for intellectual answers to my intellectual questions, or so I thought. About five minutes into my question, he looked me in the eyes and uttered these haunting words: “We can talk about authorship of scripture if you want, but I’m more interested in talking about the anxiety I hear in your voice. Which would you like to talk about?”

I was caught. I had let my composure slip; my face and my voice had betrayed me. At that point, of course, my anxiety sky rocketed—I was anxious about my anxiety! I did not want anyone to see the fear, the anxiety, or the unrest of my inner world and I had spent a lifetime projecting a non-anxious presence (probably not nearly as well as I believed at the time). Surely he was getting ready to scold me and tell me to stop being anxious!

Caught off guard and afraid, I did what any seminary student would do in the moment—I lied to him! I sobered up my voice, dropped an octave, and smoothed my furrowed brow in an effort to throw him off the trail. “No, I’m not anxious at all. I’m just really passionate about these issues and believe they are important.” At that moment I chose to hide instead of risk being exposed. He obliged, said nothing more of the anxiety, and we had an interesting but ultimately forgettable academic discussion. Years later, however, I reached out to this same professor for help in a dark season and he coached me through it. Why? Because I knew that he could see me; he could attune to me.

If attunement is crucial for secure relationships and human thriving, why are we so afraid of it?

When we first hear about attunement we may long to be seen and heard; to find someone who can tune in to our inner world and reflect back what they see. But if we are honest, we are also scared of it. Where does that come from?

Dr. Curt Thompson famously wrote that “We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and that we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.” That’s the basic human need of attunement. But he also says that we quickly discover that it is risky to be seen. We quickly discover that being seen can be just as painful as being ignored, and at times, far more harmful. Why? It comes down to three experiences with attunement that get at our deepest fears: rejection, exploitation, and violence. These account for my anxiety at being “caught” by a professor, and they likely show up in your most intimate relationships as well.

Rejection

We’ve all likely had some experience with being seen and rejected. You let your guard down, you shared a secret with someone you thought was trusted, and they betrayed or abandoned you. That feeling stays with you. It’s stored in your body and you will never forget the moment someone saw you and turned away. If you’ve experienced rejection, chances are your body will become anxious and guarded when someone attunes to you, even if it’s a spouse or a friend. That’s because you’ve trained yourself to always ask the question, “what will they do with what they see?”

Exploitation

That question intensifies when you have experienced exploitation. Perhaps you have had someone attune to you and use what they see against you. They are looking for ways that they can benefit from what they see. A sibling sees how much you love to play video games, and withholds playing with you until you’ve done her chores. A mother sees your gift at making people feel comfortable and uses you as a surrogate counselor to console her pain. A boss sees your desire to please and uses it to cross boundaries. When we have been exploited we question anyone who attunes to us, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Violence

While attunement can be a vital and nurturing good in our lives, it can also be used in the hands of evil for great harm. Attunement in the hands of evil is grooming. It is not uncommon for abusers to prey on people who feel unseen or missed in their most intimate relationships. They offer the victim something they are hungry for—the chance to be seen, to find someone looking for them. But their gaze is ultimately a violent gaze, whether it’s used for sexual abuse or playground bullying. When we have been harmed by the evil gaze of another, we find it’s better to not be seen at all than to be seen and harmed. So when someone attunes to us, our bodies tell us to run and hide.

In addition to these distortions of attunement, you’ve likely experienced the lack of attunement in your earliest relationships that left you wondering if you’ll ever be seen and accepted. You’ve likely also received misattunement when someone claims to see something in you that isn’t there. All of these experiences leave us deeply afraid of one of the things we need the most. They leave us running for the door when we are exposed or seen by another even if for a moment.

But here is the good news. When we find attunement from a trusted relationship, we can experience both healing from past wounds (albeit partial) and one of our deepest desires: being seen and welcomed. Why did I turn to that professor to become my counselor when I needed one? Because when I saw him seeing me, I saw kindness and curiosity. Let me say that again so that it will sink in. When I saw him seeing me (the Germans probably have a word for that!) I saw kindness and curiosity on his face. He wasn’t naming my anxiety to shame me; he wasn’t out to exploit or harm me. He named the anxiety and turned toward it, toward me.

That’s what we all need. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find a safe place to experience attunement; if you’ll ever find kindness and curiosity for your inner world, reach out to Good Shepherd Soul Care or someone else. It’s not too late.

*Disclaimer: there is so much more to be said here. Also, most of my training on attunement was received at The Allender Center at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. Please assume that this material is not my own but what I have gleaned from others.

Coming Up: Divine Attunement: right in front of our faces